i was going to have a kiss-and-tell blogpost that would reveal more or less everything, but having typed it, had decided against posting it.

i was also going to have a post that would basically detail how december, despite being a month of inactivity, was hell. in short my life's a wreck, i'm a wreck, including my face. i'm disappointing people around me, or even if i haven't enough i'm going to come march.

there's only so much criticism i can take before i blow, like literally, before i start throwing the same stuff back so the noise would cease, before i start believing it myself, which i can say i already do. at these times i'm at a lost for words because i know its true, so i rebut for the sake of it, because i have to. and so the words that come out of my mouth i don't recognise, they are an absolute disgrace to my existence.

as of now i have no idea what i'm going to do with my life, from a social perspective as well as a personal perspective. i don't know what results i'm going to get, whether i even stand a chance at getting a shot at scholarships and overseas education, which will decide what subjects i take. its not that i'm only aware of what's at stake now, its just that i didn't want to be constantly reminded of it as i took A's, so i put it to the back of my mind. i could always just do history at nus or something, but that would be so meaningless, a waste of 4 years. i don't see what kind of skills i can pick up, nor what value that degree would hold. if that's the case i might as well not go university at all. which, results pending, i would seriously consider. if my results are that bad then i deserve to sell my soul to the devil and be an investment banker, working insane hours and retiring by 30 with lots of money but without the health to spend it.

in a short space of 6 months, i have been taught the same lesson 3 times. obviously i didn't quite learn my lesson, hence the remedial. i'm just too stubborn to know what's good for myself. i made the resolution late last year to stop caring for people that do not give 2 hoots about myself and instead start appreciating those who actually do more. but 1 rejection led to another, and by the looks of it, a 3rd. its painful. its tiring. it kinda sucks, cause it hurts. socialising is a chore, along with trying to catch up with friends. its like trying to catch a receding tide; can't be done. if you 3 can't be bothered and couldn't care less, then i don't see why i should at any rate. i should stop. its time to stop, at any rate.

i feel like my mid life crisis came early. but then again, i could be exaggerating. i don't think about such nonsense and frown throughout the day; an observer from the outside would never know what a troubled existence i lead. its only when i'm alone at 2.30am in the morning that these thoughts enter my head. it could be that i'm someone who's able to detach my feelings from life. or it could just be that these issues aren't as serious as i thought they are; i mean, i cried more over the korean dramas than these issues, which wasn't the case in the past.

i have no values. i have no viewpoints of my own. if you are engaged in an intellectual conversation with me and you find my interesting, odds on the views i'm saying are a regurgitation of someone else's. its so frustrating, everything i say, i can hear the voice of its original speaker reverberating in my head. not just my ideas and opinions, but even my mannerisms and exclamations, they are all lifted and copied from someone else. i am like the world's biggest plagiariser. since i have no opinion and world view of my own, just lots that belong to others, i don't even know how strong-willed i am with regard to such things; there's nothing i hold dear or truly believe in. they say by listening more one would have a more rounded and wholesome worldview. i say that's bullshit, my head's in a mess and when in doubt i just fish one random one and say its mine.

i have no idea who still reads this blog. ex-classmates? well if they could find it once they could find it again. people i care about? or people who don't really like me and will thus laugh at my misery.

this is a very angsty post and i remember clearly that i mentioned people who angst about life should get a reality check, so not only do i need a reality check myself but i am also a bloody hypocrite. what a surprise. add that to irresponsibility and lack of charm on my list of flaws.

i spent large chunks of december at home, not seeing anyone i know save for my family for huge stretches of time. life felt dreary, and to make it pass faster, i would sleep late in the morning like 6 am, so by the time i woke up it was 2pm. i was bored, but there was an inertia present that led me to not do anything about it. i'm so drained wanting to catch up with this person and that person, yet i can hardly fault their unwillingness, me being such a poor character, being absolutely uncompelling and boring.