for the past few days, weeks maybe, i have had this strange, unsavory feeling. in one of the many times i'm alone in school, walking down the corridors, not aimlessly, but rather listlessly, or in class even, i had this urge to go find somebody that i can talk to. or to be more precise, to talk.

yet when the moment arrives, or to be precise, when the person, whoever it may be, arrives, this sudden feeling evaporates after a few lines of conversation, and i start feeling like i would like to do nothing better but shut up and keep to myself.

there's nothing bugging me consciously at the moment. perhaps the stress is getting to me, but i know fully well that stressing myself out would only make matters worse, and hence no level of inception, however deep it may be, would implant this thought. perhaps certain relationships, but i had resolved to not think about these. maybe next time.

i'm starting to wonder now, that perhaps, its a manifestation of this personal conflict that i've had inside me for over a year now. am i more of an extrovert, or an introvert? going in to the psychoanalytic tests, i thought perhaps an answer would come to light, but all it did was deepen the contradiction, blurring the lines even further. my results were contradictory in that aspect, probably cause my opinion of myself fluctuated within the test itself, i don't know, i wouldn't be surprised.

would this qualify as mood swings? i wouldn't know, though from what i hear, my symptoms would need a good stretch to fit. i mentioned before that i get weird suicidal tendencies, like everytime i see a plausible suicide-esque situation, i immediately think of 5 ways to die and 10 consequences. but its not like out of grief, or sadness, or some immense pain and suffering; its just plain curiosity.

like when i took my seat on the tier of the esplanade concert hall, my first thought was how high it was, and how much distance separated me from the ground tier. my next thought was would it possible to leap from my seat, off the railings, and land on top of the lights that were suspended above the hall. concluding that that would be impossible, i then thought how would the audience react should i spring from my seat, mid-show, and launch myself off the railings downwards, and was deciding between a straight headfirst, plunge or a diver-esque routine with flips and turns. then i wondered how would the newspapers actually report it.

this is despite me possessing a fear of heights. my palms sweat whenever i get too high, and i instinctively start fearing for my own safety. this is the reason why i've never been able to scale a rockwall completely since i was 12. i would climb up to a certain point, then the fear would kick in, and my palms would sweat, rendering me both physically and mentally unable to carry on.

as i wrote the above paragraph, my palms have actually started sweating, from the sheer thought of heights, though not the profusely kind. its like how my mouth starts salivating the moment i try to imagine the taste of sambal belachan.