as some of you may know, my brother went on a CCA trip to perth on monday. and with my parents in vietnam for a holiday since wednesday, i've been staying alone in the house for 3 days. they are coming back tmr and boy, am i glad! staying alone at home isn't as fun as it seems. its terribly boring, with no one to talk to, no life, no nothing. coupled to that, i'm now responsible for everything in the house from bedsheets to breakfast. my dad always boiled the water, prepared breakfast, water bottles, my mother washed the cups, did the laundry, while my brother and i took turns to sweep the floor. i've just changed the bedsheets, swept the floor and took down the dry clothes. tomorrow morning, i would have to change the towels, put the dirty laundry into the washing machine, then taking them out to dry, wash the cups, boil water, prepare my own breakfast, water bottle, wash the toilets. oh, and do the ironing of the dry clothes. life's tough, ain't it.

i just came back from mustard seed camp, been there since the afternoon. am i can gladly say today's the happiest time i ever had there since i joined in sec1. as some friends will know, i'm not exactly in the in crowd at church, my involvement in church this year solely consists of sunday mass with my family and the odd mustard seed meeting, which i sincerely tried my best to pon this year. well, twice there was a maths test, once it was chinese new year, and the rest, well, just plain pon.

there are people my age who regard the church as their second home, going there to study with their friends, who come from the same church, same youth group,and in some cases school as well. these people often have a clique of friends in the church to whom they are very close with, always seen together laughing and joking together, rendering the other deprieved, lonely, and "antisocial" outcasts like myself hiding in a corner feeling jealous and trying to fit in, failing, thus giving up altogether. no, this is not an emo post, i'm not angsting about why i have no friends, just the church people. my best friends remain 4K and cross-country. i'm just wondering why couldn't i fit in before and presently.

i used to be close to a group of people in my catechism class, but now due to the conclusion of catechism classes, i've hardly seen them and talked to them, and some of them have drifted to the in crowd, or perhaps were there to start with, but just appeared to be part of my crowd. no, i'm not bitching about them in the way in which they are backstabbing and disloyal bastards, just my warped perception about them. i still believe those that, in my screwed opinion and view of things, crossed over, are very good people.

so what is the problem? why can't i fit in? it might be the case of people's perception of me. i admit that in sec1 and sec2, i was an arorgant toerag in church. i shan't go into the details of how, all that's needed to be said is i was. but towards the end of sec2 i improved considerably, and started talking to more people. well, in fact people whom on hindsight i knew by face since P1, but due to my sky-viewing eyes i didn't realise their existence till sec 2. but by then the cliques were formed and obviously in sec2 4K'08 didn't exist, so i was kinda lonely. when i was in church, there wasn't a voice in me to tell me that hey, you're not lonely, you have a wonderful class of people in school with you, just that your place isn't here. nope, i had to wait roughly half a year more.

my emotions are a mess everytime i'm in church. when i'm with my parents in church, and i see groups of people my age hanging around, i feel jealous, envious, and angry. why can't i join in? this causes me to make irrational decisions that jeopardizes whatever i have church. but at the same time, i know they are rather good people, they are definitely not sinister, evil, simpletons. so there is the saying “吃不到葡萄说葡萄酸”proved.

this mashup of emotions was mannifested last week when i went to watch the Uzbek match with some classmates. i was on my way to meeting with the peeps at KFC and had just walked through the ticket barriers at the NEL exit of Dhoby Ghaut MRT when i saw my closest female friend in church with another friend, whom i was close to once, but due to his changing of class schedules i drifted away from. well you see, the truth is, i asked her out for a movie (i'm sweating as i type this, screw the consequences) this hols as, well, i haven't talked to her the whole year, face-to-face. she declined, saying she was busy, have o's to study for, etc, etc, to which i said ok fine. then what the hell is she doing in dhoby ghaut with another friend? the fact that they were talking and laughing away made me feel worse (the amount and range of emotions i could experience in 3 seconds is amazing). i looked at them, felt a myriad of emotions, and pretended not to see them, and walked straight pass them. i'm very sure they saw me, myself being in a striking green shirt, and the only person in their line of sight. i was feeling sad and sorry for myself, jealous and angry, frustrated and strained, all the way to KFC, before 2 pieces of chicken and jokes abound by the jokers there went a long way to cheering me up. by the time we left i was normal already, if not excited.

to her, i'm probably just another friend, perhaps a lower ranked, more distant one. but to me, she's the closest female friend i have in church, if not in my life. seeing how little i matter, well, hurts. stings. aches. i'm not jealous cause she was with another guy, no, its another kind of jealousy. the friend kind. i feel like The Square One, alone, friendless, trying to be close to The Cool One, Grandmaster 001, among his many titles, yet getting repulsed, injured, tortured, again and again. wait i'm not that bad. i still have lots of friends at ri. ok i shall rephrase that. i feel like The Square One in church, and only in church.

i don't know why i wrote that, my yearning for privacy told me not to. but i felt i had to. i need an avenue to let my thoughts loose and flying, and if i start worrying about what i should write and shouldn't write, i might as well take shanzhi's lead and close my blog down. she used to read my blog, think she stopped, but to hell with it, whatever her reactions may be, if there's any.

i have a song stuck in my head. a chinese/canto one. i first heard it on a cd in the car cd player. but afterwards when we changed car we lost the cd, and i never heard the song ever since, not for a lack of trying though. but i happened to chance upon it earlier this week, when i was listening to an imeem playlist of chinese duet songs, and i was real happy. i have been listening to it every day since.