today training is the usual lactic buffet. 2 x 3 x 300m @ 50secs for 300m. did this b4 but flung it quite badly the previous time. the last time all didn't hit, remembered the the first one 50 then the next closest was 52 le. today is much better. first 3 were 49sec, 49sec and 50sec respectively which is very good and on pace.then had a 7min break which ultimately didn't help much. lactic was too gay. then 2nd set first 2 were 51sec and 53sec, which wasn't so good but because of lactic i had to change my running style to the less efficient stretching method instead of the fast and powerful style i used for the first 3. so coupled with lactic, no wonder my times were slower. last one change to 200m, did 34sec, which is off the pace by 1 sec, but heck lah. generally, quite happy with hitting all for the first set.

read the start list for nats, couldn't recognise any names except jamie ross coates, who is afterall the champ, so thats 1 slot taken up. i dun really noe my heat well, so maybe to qualify still got fight but i'm nowhere near the bare minimum of 2.14 so well, just take it as it comes.

then today after training, tingzhang and shikai (cheese) went for a haircut. at first at j8 first level, they were all for cutting bald, but when they finally reached the 3rd floor outside the barber cheese got coldfeet and stood outside the shop, dun wan to go in. so we spent 15mins outside their shop persuading cheese to go in. in the end he did and now he and tingzhang look army. lol. cheese got screwed on the fone by his mum later.

im feeling better now. yesterday's post damn emo. quite sure it wouldn't happen it. must take it all in my stride. anyway, school starting soon, nats starting soon, no time for nonsense le. its time for lactic buffet.

god, how unreasonable can it get. im have been at it for years but there is no visible progress. it is not for a lack of trying. i have exhausted every possible solution but it just all dun make sense. it is the wierdest and most strange dilenma i have ever faced. the rational thing would be to just give up and move on. not not i have not tried it but i cant. yet what is the thing that keeps drawing me back, refusing to let me give up and move on? every thing is so lopsided, so one-way. its like divination, if it exists, mars tries to align itself with venus yet venus seems to pull away even further. it is an indication that they are not meant to be aligned or that venus is just very sadistic and interested in this chasing game? what do the actions mean? i dun think anyone can help me. my rational thinking is telling me to thrash everything out and settle it once and for all yet i cannot face reality should the inevitable. my life would seem so empty, after something that has preoccupied me for years has vanished. and it that vanish is not a burden yet a hope, a dream that has occured again and again. should i give up and try again 2 years later? should i pursue it and be bewildered by its twists and turns yet again? or should i just give it up forever? is this god's way of telling me it is not meant to be? i do not want to accept this. i would not be able to stand it and bear it if others succeed where i failed. i am certain i will suffer breakdowns. but after deliberating the issue, i am nowhere near the solution that i sought when i started. should there be a solution? or should i just let nature take its course? but in doing so, am i chosing a path of no return? when others succeed would i regret it for life? at such a tender age such thoughts are overwhelming but i must be prepared for the worst. yet i noe when the worst happens i will never be sufficiently prepared, for all that i have prepared for will go to waste. god please show me the light, for i am in this sorry plight.