it's funny how people see what they want to see, think what they want to think and conclude what they want to conclude, particularly if they put their heart and mind to it fervently.

it was really a trivial issue that was blown out of proportion, comparative to writing a thesis paper on a single word in a poem. well, i guess this is what we would call over reading, then forcing a point that one is obsessively bent on making.

i meant it in jest, seeing how the supposed victims would not mind, and would probably see the joke in the issue of donating 50cents for 4 worksheets. and when i asked after the whole debacle, one of the would-be victims agreed that hey, it would be unfair, LOL. moreover, i don't see the issue in pulling everyone into the water with me if it was for a bit of fun and of no real consequence. paying 50cents hardly counts as drowning, my dears, unless, of course, ur income is in ringgits. in that case, you have my deepest sympathies and condolences.

the funniest part, was that the moral of the story derived is i'm a backstabbing bastard that would betray my friends at the nearest rubbish bin. now i must say i'm deeply affected by this, and this prompted in me a deep self-reflection that i'm sure some of the riff-raffs that hobble along me must deem impossible. the crux of the issue is the origins of my worries. i don't really bother what they say, with the focus being "they say" rather than "what". no, i guess i am disturbed because it is a challenge on the very identity that i perceive myself to be. so it boils down to this: what do i see myself as?

i see myself first and foremost as a all-round nice guy.

i also know that my capacity for hatred is beyond what we would deem as the average limit in schoolboys.

i also know that my tongue is as sharp as a razor, and my words have the ability to hurt, as my parents have reminded me so often. just as well, ties in nicely with my capacity for hatred.

but on a positive note, i see myself as a loyal friend.

from past experiences, i know i am such a person. how else do u explain protecting your friend from a bully and his motley crew of delinquents 2 years older than myself through provocation that shifted their attention to myself? by attention, i mean a 10 sec chase by the whole gang before getting whacked up, while my own friends just stood watching, along with isolated instances of bullying for the rest of the year, like getting red jelly poured down my head unto my shirt. lovely memories of my childhood. it may not have felt so cool then (heck, i felt terrible that no one came to my aid and drowned with me; i was the only one so stupid to intervene in the first place), but years past, memories fade, and this remains one of the proudest memories i own. i don't regret what i did, and its probable i would do the same again. (just no red jelly this time please, the feeling was ewwwwwwwwwww)

it is thus not difficult to understand my indignation at the above accusation. being loyal is not telling your tutor that your friend has cramps when she really just ponned the tutorial, nor is it lending your homework to your friend for her to copy (something that i have done really often this year); please, it is much more than that.

not sure if its for better or for worst, but when i heard people discussing the issue in a pseudo-subtle manner (aka at the top of your voice but lets-pretend-he-can't-hear-and-understand-us), i have mixed emotions. it's quite funny how people see what they want to see, and how far-fetched their inferences are, at least from my perspective and the majority of the world-at-large. though i admit for a moment self-doubt entered my head. did i really change as a person? am i a bastard? a straw poll rubbished the above notions.

if im still a loyal friend, yet i come across as backstabbing to some, then the logical conclusion is they are not my friends.

but hey, im certain if i relate my woes to 10 people, 9 will end off their consultations with "its ok seen, we still love you." that's always nice to hear at the end of the day =)

what to do next will depend on the kind of objectives i wish to achieve regarding this field, which i haven't really thought about it yet. along the lines of calm, calculated, careful, and above the general fray.

i shall end off with a line that i found particularly impactful, probably because of its wit and the setting in which it was said. i heard this while watching Wimbledon (the movie). not relevant at all to my situation, just, food for thought.

"Love means nothing in tennis; love means you lose."