crap i wanted to say something, but i can't remember what.

its effectively the last week of school, with next week being study break/prelims, sept hols, prelims, and getting papers back. let's just ignore the a-levels dimension for now.

its the last ever week in which i will see people in an everyday, schoolday context. and that includes my class. in all honesty i'm truly sorry for how the way my class turned out. while to be honest i wasn't expecting much to start with at the start of last year (after 4k you know things can only get worse), i didn't expect it to be this bad. i definitely cannot claim to be the model classmate, i'm hardly model anything, its just that even my detrimental presence cannot fully explain the dynamics present. if that was the case, i would be the YZY of this class, which i'm not. its quite sad that from the onset, the kind of people in the class meant that any sort of cohesion's impossible.

to cut a long-story short, this class contains people at both ends of the social spectrum, and hardly any one in between. its really very sad the fate of any social grouping is pre-determined by the kind of people it contains, rather than the interactions between its components. this eventuality is saddening, for it suggests that the fate of the group is out of the hands of its 'members', or in this case its willing members. but as much as i do not wish to admit it, my experience of the past 4 years tells me its true.

case in point: the type of people in the batch above us in floorball would never have been as bonded as my batch. it didn't help the captain's useless, by the way. and its things like these that makes me appreciate the social groupings that work even more, like 4k and floorball. had the composition of people had differed, it would never have worked out, im sure of it now.

as of late i detest being part of groups of people, partly cos as of now im not really part of any. 4k doesnt really hang out in sch anymore, same with floorball. its not even the case of not knowing everybody in that group, its just that you know fully well you do not belong. it doesnt have to be anything they say, its the little subtle things like the mannerisms and vibes that the people in the group do to each other. (i know my syntax isn't really making sense, but do bear with me). its groupings like those in class, those in other classes, other ccas, etc etc. at least in a 1-to-1 interaction, you cannot feel left out. 2-1, might be fine, by 3-1 you know its time to screw off.

i hate the feeling of being neglected and left out. its how i arrived at the conclusion that people who have no friends have self-esteem issues, and those who are surrounded by friends all the time are really insecure deep down inside..