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1:33 am - Sunday, December 07, 2008

i know i haven't blogged in a long time, not because i've been busy working or anything, but rather because i simply can't be bothered to, always finding something else to do, be it dota, we11, or just watching the tv. but i guess now's quite the right time to start again, despite it being late and all. i'm flying off in about 10 hours time to macau, zhu hai (china) and hong kong for a week on a budget airline, a first, so i guess after this long post i will have time to think and regroup again for a another post. this blog is afterall a commitment to myself, so its time i start putting some effort into it.

okay, where to start? cca then. i went to kl with the cross team on a "track trip" but since so little track people bothered to turn up it was really a cross trip. to me at least, though definitely not the least. what we did there can be summed up with this famous quote from guan lin.

"Its been a fun 3 - 4 days outta the country with Cross (and a little of Track), and I got to say I really really enjoyed it. =)

I'm not going to be through with the trip, but basically, what we did is summed up in Sean's PM:

"all i've been doing for the past week is train, eat, shop, bid for trump, democratically hunting, winking and sleeping"

Yups thats right. Most of what we've done is train (every morning), makan, shopping (haha got abit of stuff), bid for trump (played bridge like crazy), democratically hunting (haha this means playing mass polar bear), winking (playing murderer) and sleeping (on the bus and in the hotel).

To add on, we also did some wrestling, playing soccer, bathing in rusty water, and talking alot of shit with each other (Super lame seow jokes).

Mass games in my room (HQ for gathering) was like super lame and fun. And wrestling on the bed (even got rules one) was like so super duper retarded that I almost wanted to cry from all that laughing. Like wrestling with Reuben and counting Reuben's losing streak (Lolz so mean, but nvm)"

i know guan lin quoted me, so you can say its not pure plagarism. whatever. well, i was quite disappointed with the number of sec 4s who went, though some really couldn't make it, others should have tried harder or bothered. only mchia and myself went. i mean, it is our ONLY team trip in 4 years, coming at the end of our 4 years in RI, at the end of our cross country journey as a team. isn't that enough reason to go?

some lame excuses given were like "i know if i go i will feel left out and lonely". so because of this you don't go? in the end the only people who will feel lonely are those who bothered to go, though i did not. still, i abhor this sort of selfish and self-centred thoughts. really, after 4 years of going through shit and pain and everything nature could throw at us (save for snow) you are just going to leave like that? i know this is very romantic of me, but i always believed every journey should have a proper ending, a conclusion that will leave a sweet aftertaste. the last thing in my mouth shouldn't be the sweat and blood of my last race, however important it may be, but instead the sweetness of my team's love. how would you like to read a book that had its conclusion torn off? like i said, i know some of my batchmates would have really wished to come but couldn't, those who could but didn't are a source of disappointment.

besides that, i had a really enjoyable trip. and it is really a fitting end to my time in RIXC. i don't think i will quit the egroup or relinquish my blogging access to the cross blog anytime soon, not because i'm lazy, but because i can't bear to. i'm still interested in the going-ons of the team, where they're training, what they are doing. i also know that by doing so would mean cutting off another link to my secondary school life, something i really cherish, my past, and i'm afraid of losing it. i admit it. the thought scares me. but i know all good things will come to an end. when i'm ready, i will do so. not yet.

moving on to a higher platform. school. though in recent times i've been introducing myself as schooless in church for the fun of how it sounds like, it isn't really the truth, i can lie to the world, but not myself. i know where i'm going. or rather, i know i'm leaving. i haven't really thought about this deeply yet till now. grad ceremony, grad night, the whole ceremony was very surreal, and its impact didn't really hit me then. i was too busy taking photos, talking, laughing, getting caught in the excitement withough really understanding the whole meaning and purpose of the events. at this point i really want to break down and cry and bawl like a baby, but seeing 1) everyone's asleep 2) i don't have a girlfriend so there's no one to console me, so crying has no point.

this is it. i'm leaving. no more screwing around. no more playing in that sheltered playground we call ri. time to move on and grow up. though its only jc, but i'm certain that the environment will be very different. its not something i relish too. its quite alien to me, personal reasons which i've already explained before, and which i will touch on again later. time for real exams, not rigged maths tests invigilated by balding teachers that moderate the marks as and when they deem fit.

of course, there's 4K. i know we will seperate one day. it may not be on the first day. hell, i fully expect to sit with everybody from 4K on my first day in jc during recess time. but i know slowly, first 1 will stop coming, then 2, next 3, and before you know it, we're 4k no more. this is the one fear that scares me the most. it terrifies me. 4K, you guys have no bloody idea how much you mean to me. at the moment you people mean more to me than any girl(s) that i may have a crush or liking to. we're like family, in the past 2 years i think we've spent so much time together, poured so much into each other emotionally that we've neglected our families and other friends. i'm not complaining, but i know this feeling will cease to exist one day. i've never been closer to any group of people, and despite some glitches, the class has a wonderful blend of people who are nice to the max.

out of 5 recesses a week, 5 are spent with my class. out of 5 lunches a week, 3-4 are spent with my class. out of 5 dinners a week, 2-3 are spent with 4K. we've been through a lot together. our time together has certainly been eventful. beng-gate, vijay-gate, ms kek-gate, the 4K missile crisis, the table fiasco, and the latest being matthew's birthday bash. the list goes on. the thing i admire about 4K is our lack of cliques. to me, that was something i could never imagine. maybe its my own ignorance, but if there are cliques, i don't know which do i belong to. do i belong to my garena dota gang of jonlian and jarrell? or the after school tennis gang of hernwei and junliang? emo, shopping gang of theodore and shoujian? perhaps the group of people at the back of the class, with brain, kieran, daniel and jy? i might even be found eating dinner with weeping and zx. to cut it short, i belong everywhere. we belong everywhere. because we're one, or as close to one class as any class can ever get. i'm proud of my classmates, proud of being part of them, of being part of 4K.

i could go on forever but i really have to stop talking about 4K or i'm going to start crying.

there are 3 people in class whom i abuse regularly. in no particular order, shoij, wayne and zaki. the things i say to them can be quite hurting and nasty, though i know they know i'm just saying it in jest. still, it can be quite painful when someone looks you straight in the eye, with a poker face, shake his head and say," wayne, you know what? you suck." 3 times a day, 5 days a week. now you know wayne's not elected prefect for nothing.

once after insulting zaki for the umpteen time, he told me jokingly along the lines of," sean, i know you're doing this only because you've low self-esteem, thats why you are insulting me to make yourself feel better."

he has no idea how right he was.

though i didn't abuse him to boost my self-esteem, but i guess zaki is right about one thing. in this journey of self-discovery these 4 years, either i discovered i've low self-esteem, or these 4 years have turned me into someone with low self-esteem. either way, i believe my greatest imperfection is my self-esteem, or lacktherof. (i kinda realised that purely by thinking i had low self-esteem might cause myself to actually have low self-esteem but i doubt thats the case).

people always talk about how ri is a wonderful place to study, full of smart people and stuff. competition is good, but every competition has winners and losers. in me, you see one in the red, bruised and raw. the loser of meritocracy, with all the side-effects that come with continued failure, rather its comparative lacklustreness. its a vicious cycle. you phail, you feel bad, you lose the plot, you phail again.

4K is a brilliant class. academically too. unfortunately i contribute to lowering our class average, with me being more like to finish top from bottom than right-side up. i know thats the whole point of ri, throwing the best together so they push each other on the way to the top. those who fall, too bad. for those who rise, congrats, a champion of darwinism, and another polished product on our nation's conveyor belt of talent, the very foundation of our dear state.

this lack of self-esteem translates to other aspects of my life too. friendship for example. in school, not a problem, i fit right in, rafflesian through and through, rubik's cube and all. but outside, the problem arises. i've said before that i'm somewhat an alien in church. fine, can live with that.

but i feel really bad about myself when i find myself shunted out of a clique. i know these are signs of insecurity, like, what the hell, these group of have-nots that will probably earn peanuts in the future. who cares about them, when you have the company of a huge group of future who's who. but i guess its natural to want to fit in everywhere.

the church is a very political place, ironic it may be, but its the truth. backstabbing, bitching, cliques, power-fighting, all commonplace. i find it really hard and tiresome to make new friends and know other people better when everyone's in small exclusive protective cliques that are almost inpenetratable by foreign interference. i tried to fit into the conversations, but i always get thrown out. its like an outsider playing in an in-house dota game, getting kicked out the moment you are discovered. i know it is a common sight everywhere, but being in such a protective environment like ri and 4k, this sort of environment is really hostile. it really sucks,

especially when you're desperately trying to know someone better.