let's just say i had a shitty week.

i have been sleeping past 2am in the morning for the 4th day running for a variety of reasons, some of it under my control and the other not. this contributed largely to the screwed up nature of my week but the climax of it all really started only yesterday.

i reached home at 4pm yesterday and started my maths revision at 5pm. i was literally learning the whole topic from scratch so i had no time to waste. i took a break at 7+ to go out for dinner despite my reluctance to do so. we were at the carpark when the fun really began.

my mother observed that my sec1 neighbour who's also at ri was able to run with his sister at 6pm in the park on wednesday. then she proceded to ask me why he could run with his sister at 6pm but she couldn't even see me at 8pm when yours truly was in sec1. well, it was a direct question, so i gave a direct answer. when i was in sec1, i had training three times a week during the weekdays and 3rd lang twice a week. i even joined fencing for a while in sec1. the only free day i had was friday which i spent playing soccer.

then, as though i nevered spoken at all, she went on and said how come 2 ri boys have so different schedules, how his consisted of him being home everyday by at most dinner time, and how mine included being home only at about 8+, 9+. i told her the same thing yet again.

and she asked me the same thing again. i felt agitated, as the manner in which she asked the question, the tone of it all, suggested that she felt i was lying to her for whatever reasons, that no, i purposely out of my own free will stayed out of the house till 8+. i was starting to get quite irritated by then. she told me that though i have cca and third lang, my neighbour also has.

4 years of philosophy hasn't gone down the drain. question the premises. i asked her is she sure 1) he had third lang 2) he had cca and also to consider the possibility that 3) his cca is only twice a week. i must admit that at this point i was being rather forceful already.

she also got angry at why i started talking to her in a slightly more agitated tone. then my dad stepped in and told me to shut up, which i gladly obliged, for it was what i had been planning to do all along.

the argument continued in the house. at the house i just told her that, ok, look here, you ask me why i come home so late, i'm telling you i had third lang and cca. you asked a question, i gave u an answer, so can you please just accept it, fullstop. as for my nieghbour, you aren't even sure of his schedule and are jumping to conclusions all over the place based on your assumptions so, yeah, there's that. end of discussion.

then she said must be because i cannot manage my time well, why i play soccer on friday when i can just come home, that she knows i'm talking like this because i had a maths test the next day and i'm not happy she forced me to go for dinner. which, though it had happened before, was not the case yesterday.

at that, i just walked away. then she had a go at my father, asking why he had been keeping quiet and never step in to say something. my dad replied that saying something then would make the matter worse because it will not be something pleasant to her ears. she asked how come i talk to her like that he never step in, to which he replied its not my fault because she started it in the first place.

at that point she flared up, unable to accept its her fault. "my fault? how can it be my fault? i was just being concerned and asking. yah la yah la, everything is my fault la" my dad tried to explain how was it her fault, but the moment someone said it was her fault she just filtered out everything and wallowed in poetic injustice. she also asked him how can he say that it was her fault in front of the kids (aka us) to which he replied because it is, and is painfully obvious to all present and involved save for herself.

i can't quite remember what happened next but my dad threw a tantrum as well, commeting on why is it that our house is always like a warzone, why can't everyone talk properly and not resort to shouting, why is it that office already so stressful then the house also like that. you get the point.

he said some nasty things to her to, about how it is always the manner in which she speaks that offends people, which is true. i responded in such a defensive manner because i felt she was accusing me of lying and deceit. he said she should seriously go for a speaking course and if not, the mental hospital (is it? can't remember exactly where) because she cannot accept that she's in the wrong. "why can't you just accept you're in the wrong? you cannot be wrong meh? always insisting that you're right"

with all the shouting and angst going about in the house, and with myself the emotionally insecure and unstable teenager, i broke down into tears. i wanted to tell them that it is just a misunderstanding and can we resolve this peacefully. but when i tried to say it, my crying just swallowed my voice and all i ended up saying/crying out is "why is my family always like that" to which provoked more outbursts of thinking aloud on this question from both of them.

i was feeling really painful and just wanted to get away from it all. which i did. i packed all the stuff i needed to study for maths and left the house for macs. i arrived at macs with my emotions still all over the place and took about 10mins to stop crying at macs. i left the house without their knowledge so as a matter of courtesy i smsed my dad and told him why i left the house. it wasn't the first time i disbanded from them after an argument, i think its the 3rd. how i wished it would stop.

it is at times like this that you wish you had someone to cry to/talk to. unfortunately there wasn't anyone for me. at least not in the vicinity. the one(s) i really want to cry to isn't there/doesn't want me to do so
so i stayed at macs from 9pm till 1am before going home. thankfully, and obviously, everyone was asleep when i reached home, so it was at least peaceful to go to sleep. you have no idea how it feels like to be in the room, trying to sleep, when your parents are in the same room arguing. you just want to shut everything they are saying out but it isn't possible. what they say to each other hurts you but you have no where to run or hide. the only thing you could do is try to cry silently into your pillow however you feel like just crying for the world to hear and see.

i remember that then my mother threatened to leave the house, which she did, at least for a few hours, she woke me up to tell me she was leaving, as she didn't know i was awake. when she pulled away the blanket from me they found out that i had been awake and listening to their argument and was crying all along.

so today we had the math ta that i spent hours the day before studying. which i screwed up, i don't know is it lack of practice, or just plain fatigue but 1 thing it definitely isn't the lack of effort.
as in, i left the last question nearly blank, and its the easiest question. i failed to recognise all i needed to do was apply the quotient rule. i tried to shift the denominator up and apply chain rule instead. i hope i still pass.

my state of consciousness then was somewhere in between awake and blur. i wasn't feeling sleepy, but i felt very tired, my reaction was slowed.

we had a football match after school against 4I and I was definitely in no state of health/consciousness/mind to play soccer for all sorts of reasons. but i'm responsible to my class, so i tried to remedy as much as i could by drinking coffee and red bull.

i was playing in defence with daniel tay and the plan all along was to push up and contain the ball in their half, hoping their weak defence would crack under pressure. it backfired very badly. the attack was disjointed to say the least and failed to put enough pressure on the defense, which was without their most important player. they were able to play the ball out of defense too easily, which exposed the space behind us very easily.

i tried to support them from defence but somehow they didn't look to pass back too often, instead tried to rush headlog into their three man wall. and when they counter-attacked, often it was 2-3 of them against daniel tay. i had drifted too far foward and was unable to track back that fast.

i think i have to accept responsibility for the 2 goals conceded. both were 1-on-1s and i know exactly how not to allow such situations to happen. overall i played like shit. perhaps the only consolation we can draw from this is the way kieran played in defence. for the short while he played, he broke up attacks well and started the attack. think that's 1 more option we have.

i'm just glad for this week to end. i just hope tomorrow will be better. i must be some failure for all my relationships to be failing. she's too lazy to reply me, i must really be a loser.